Famous Quotes & Sayings

Tommy Cooper

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

Tommy Cooper

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Tommy Cooper

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Tommy Cooper

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Tommy Cooper

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Tommy Cooper

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Tommy Cooper

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Tommy Cooper

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Tommy Cooper

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Tommy Cooper

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Tommy Cooper

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

Tommy Cooper

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Tommy Cooper

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Tommy Cooper

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Tommy Cooper

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Tommy Cooper

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Tommy Cooper

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Tom Stoppard

If you associate enough with older people who do enjoy their lives, who are not stored away in any golden ghettos, you will gain a sense of continuity and of the possibility for a full life.

Tom Stoppard

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?

Tom Neff

I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff.

Tom Hayden

His herding instinct is so strong that he confuses tractors on a baseball field for sheep. He was hospitalized twice. Once by a line drive and once for attacking a tractor tread.

Tom Hanks

At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'

Tom Clancy

A lawyer is just like an attack dog, only without a conscience.

Todd Barry

I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things.

Tina Fey

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.

Tina Fey

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything.

Tina Fey

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?" The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.