Famous Quotes & Sayings

Demetri Martin

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

Demetri Martin

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

Demetri Martin

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Demetri Martin

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Dean Koontz

And the funny thing was if you made the best of it, if you smiled through every storm, the bad things were never as terrible as you expected them to be, and the good things were better than anything you could have wished for yourself.

Damon Runyon

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Craig Ferguson

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

Craig Ferguson

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

Craig Ferguson

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Craig Ferguson

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Craig Ferguson

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

Craig Ferguson

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

Craig Ferguson

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

Craig Ferguson

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Craig Ferguson

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Craig Ferguson

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

Craig Ferguson

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Coco Chanel

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.

Bob Edwards

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

Bob Dole

Life is very important to Americans.

Bob Dole

The internet is a great way to get on the net.

Billy Connolly

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Boy George

I absolutely admit I had him in the handcuffs so he wouldn't go anywhere while I checked the computer... I certainly wasn't going to kill him. That's hardly going to do my career any good, is it?

Bruce Dickinson

Life is too short to do the things you don't love doing.

Bruce Forsyth

Did you write the words, or the lyrics?

Brian Regan

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."

Brian Regan

If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."

Brian Regan

I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"