Famous Quotes & Sayings

Anthony Jeselnik

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

Anthony Jeselnik

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Ann Landers

Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.

Ann Landers

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Ann Landers

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

Ann Landers

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Brashares

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.

Ann Brashares

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

Andy Borowitz

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

Andy Borowitz

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Andy Borowitz

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

Andy Borowitz

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Andy Borowitz

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Andy Borowitz

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Andy Borowitz

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Andy Cohen

The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.

Andrea Dworkin

Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are.

Alphonse de Lamartine

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

A. A. Milne

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.

A. A. Milne

They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them.

Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Everything you add to the truth subtracts from the truth.

Alberto Manguel

Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.

Albert Einstein

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

Albert Einstein

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

Albert Einstein

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

Albert Einstein

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Alfred Lord Tennyson

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.

Alex Ferguson

Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out.