Famous Quotes & Sayings

Dave Chappelle

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

Dave Chappelle

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

Dave Chappelle

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

Dave Chappelle

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.

Dave Chappelle

What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant.

Dave Chappelle

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

Dave Chappelle

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

Dave Chappelle

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

Dave Chappelle

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

Dave Chappelle

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Dave Chappelle

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Dave Chappelle

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

Dave Chappelle

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

Dave Chappelle

Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'

David Sedaris

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

David Sedaris

They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy.

David Sedaris

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.

David Sedaris

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings

David Mitchell

over 85% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

David Mitchell

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.

David Mitchell

If I want to act relaxed, it's going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.

David Mitchell

I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.

David Cross

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

David Cross

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

David Cross

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

David Cross

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

David Cross

Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

David Cross

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

David Cross

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

David Cross

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...

David Cross

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

David Cross

'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

David Cross

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.