Famous Quotes & Sayings

Richard Lewis

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Richard Lerner

AT&T to wed T-Mobile. Following the ceremony there will be no reception.

Redd Foxx

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Red Skelton

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

Red Skelton

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

Red Skelton

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

T. S. Eliot

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby 'it.'

T. S. Eliot

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Sydney J. Harris

Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, 'Why not?' and the other, 'Why bother?'

Sydney J. Harris

When a baseball player makes an error, it goes into the record and is published. How many of us could stand this sort of daily scrutiny?

Sydney J. Harris

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

Sylvester Stallone

Boxing is a great exercise ... as long as you can yell "cut" whenever you want to.

Susan Sontag

Ours is a society in which secrets of private life that, formerly, you would have given nearly anything to conceal, you now clamor to get on a television show to reveal.

Susan Sontag

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.

Scott Adams

No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.

Scott Adams

As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.

Scott Adams

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

Scott Adams

Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.

Scott Adams

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

Scott Adams

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Ray Romano

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

Ray Romano

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Ray Floyd

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Thomas Jefferson

It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour

Tallulah Bankhead

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

Tallulah Bankhead

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.

Tallulah Bankhead

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.

Tallulah Bankhead

I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.

Tallulah Bankhead

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Tallulah Bankhead

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Tallulah Bankhead

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

Tony Scott

A lot of actors talk about doing their homework, but very few of them do it.

Tony Bennett

Every city I go to is an opportunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii.