Famous Quotes & Sayings

Dylan Moran

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

Dylan Moran

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

Dylan Moran

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

Dylan Moran

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

Dylan Moran

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

Dylan Moran

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.

Dylan Moran

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

Dylan Moran

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

Dylan Moran

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

Dylan Moran

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

Dylan Moran

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Dylan Moran

I do pauses, pauses work for me

Dylan Moran

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

Dylan Moran

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

Dylan Moran

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Dylan Moran

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!

Dylan Moran

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

Dylan Moran

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

Dylan Moran

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

Dylan Moran

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

Dylan Moran

You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.

Dylan Moran

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

Dylan Moran

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga...bt...jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga...ba...ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice."

Dylan Moran

People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!

Dylan Moran

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

Dylan Moran

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

Dylan Moran

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.

Dylan Moran

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"

Dwight D. Eisenhower

An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame - Southern Methodist University game and doesn't care who wins.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which he has had some fun, some joy, some real satisfaction, that day is a loss.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

You don't lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.