Quotes about funny
funny book humor
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen
funny witty believe
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
funny softball baseball
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
funny life witty
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
funny humor parenting
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
funny time inspiration
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
funny life thankful
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
funny death suicide
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
funny witty money
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
funny humorous science
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
funny hilarious sexy
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
funny new-year witty
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
funny life humor
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
funny team chess-game
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
funny humor science
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
funny witty sex
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
funny sarcastic witty
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
funny life errors
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
funny running humor
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
funny basketball sitting
What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
funny death believe
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
funny girl crazy
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.
funny witty jobs
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
funny god witty
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
funny life humor
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
funny birthday witty
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
funny confidence witty
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
funny suicide humor
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
funny long eternity
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
funny laughter ideas
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
funny hilarious humor
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
funny humor suicidal
I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
funny dream humorous
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?