Famous Quotes & Sayings

Woody Allen

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Woody Allen

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

Woody Allen

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

Woody Allen

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

Woody Allen

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Woody Allen

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

Woody Allen

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

Woody Allen

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Woody Allen

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

Woody Allen

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Woody Allen

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.

Woody Allen

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

Woody Allen

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?

William Shatner

You need to be silly to be funny.

William J. Clinton

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.

William J. Clinton

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

William J. Clinton

Sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant looking at a pack of dogs.

William J. Clinton

If you want to live like a Republican, vote like a Democrat.

William J. Clinton

I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.

William James

Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.

William James

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Will Cuppy

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.

Will Ferrell

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

Whitney Cummings

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

Sarah Silverman

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

Sarah Silverman

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Sarah Silverman

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

Sarah Silverman

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Sarah Silverman

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

Sarah Silverman

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.