Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Steven Wright

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Steven Wright

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Steven Wright

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Steven Wright

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Reggie Evans

I don't know what's wrong with that girl.

Reggie Jackson

After Jackie Robinson the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson, I really mean that.

Red Buttons

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

Tom Jones

Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That's why I love vegetables, you know what they're about!

Toni Morrison

I like marriage. The idea.