Famous Quotes & Sayings

Dennis Miller

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Dennis Miller

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Dennis Miller

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Dennis Miller

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Dennis Miller

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Dennis Miller

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Dennis Miller

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

Ed Wynn

A comic says funny things. A comedian says things funny.

Earl Weaver

I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.

Earl Monroe

Sport is the only profession I know of that when you retire you have to go to work.

Elizabeth Meriwether

Funny women are honest women.

Elizabeth Olsen

Not since I was 10, trying to get Nick Vossler's attention in PE. 'Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nicholas right over!'

Edwin Way Teale

The difference between utility and utility plus beauty is the difference between telephone wires and the spider web.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

I love humanity but I hate people.

Edgar Guest

You'll be richer in the end than a prince, if you're a friend.

Brad Bird

Well what's funny is, again, people say they believed what was going on, but again, Bob's hands are about three times bigger than his feet. So these are very caricatured.

Bobby Heenan

Janetty tried to dive through the window to escape, what an act of cowardice.

Benjamin Franklin

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.

Benjamin Franklin

God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.

Benjamin Franklin

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Benjamin Franklin

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Benjamin Franklin

The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished.

Benjamin Franklin

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

Benjamin Franklin

There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.

Benjamin Franklin

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away

Benjamin Franklin

If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.

Barbara Mertz

No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.

Augusten Burroughs

The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.

Arthur Miller

The only thing you got in this world is what you can sell. And the funny thing is that you're a salesman, and you don't know that.

Arthur Adamov

The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial.

Art Linkletter

Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.