Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Steven Wright

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Steven Wright

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Steven Wright

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Steven Wright

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .