Famous Quotes & Sayings

Tim Vine

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Tim Vine

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

Tim Vine

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Tim Vine

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Tim Vine

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

Tim Vine

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Tim Vine

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Tim Vine

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Tim Vine

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Tim Vine

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Tim Vine

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Tim Vine

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Tim Vine

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Tim Vine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Tim Vine

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Thomas Friedman

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

Thomas Beecham

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

Thomas Beecham

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

Victoria Beckham

I have started smiling! I've mastered this smirk; it's a smile that isn't a smile.

Victor Hugo

Whenever a man's friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.

Victor Hugo

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

Victor Hugo

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Victor Borge

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

Victor Borge

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

Victor Borge

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Victor Borge

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.