Quotes about funny
funny new-york rip
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign." Jim Gaffigan
funny cutting machines
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."
funny causes comedy
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."
funny humor house
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
funny friday running
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
funny up-early comedy
"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody
funny humor next-week
There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.
funny new-york tunnels
I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.
funny book reading
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
funny thinking mafia
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
funny humor blind
I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
funny baby teenager
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"
funny dad guy
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."
funny sleep successful
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
funny dirty humor
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
funny book school
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
funny glasses looks
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
funny girlfriend names
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
funny nice humor
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
funny humor animal
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
funny guy comedy
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
funny fighting ammo
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
funny writing thinking
I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."
funny brother children
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
funny morning humor
My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.
funny retirement native-american
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. Jim Bishop
funny-inspirational love-you marine
While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries. Jim Beaver
funny thinking staff
Like backstage, I just peed like every 3 seconds. I think yur staff thinks I have diarrhea. Jennifer Lawrence
funny smart skills
I have the street smarts and survival skills of, like, a poodle.
funny vampire sometimes
Sometimes I feel like a vampire
funny girl real
I dress like an old woman in my real life. If you're having conversations with people, you don't want them to remember you as the girl with the tits, You want them to pay attention to what you're saying
funny years months
I'm doing what I love, and then I get months and months of rest. I have a lot of money for a 21-year old. I can't stand it when actors complain.
funny underwear wells
Well, at least I had on underwear