Quotes about funny
funny travel next
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. George Carlin
funny sarcastic witty
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
funny peace freedom
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
funny sexy arms
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
funny sarcastic witty
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
funny life people
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
funny life witty
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
funny humor perspective
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
funny witty humor
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
funny prayer light
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
funny jesus humor
What year did Jesus think it was?
funny sarcastic dream
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
funny humor stupid-people
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
funny money work
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
funny hilarious witty
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
funny hilarious sarcastic
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
funny sarcastic witty
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
funny sarcastic witty
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
funny humor stupid-people
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
funny witty peace
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
funny humor beer
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
funny life witty
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
funny christmas girl
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
funny sarcastic witty
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
funny humor cynical
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
funny sarcastic witty
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
funny sarcastic witty
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
funny philosophy humor
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
funny life motivational
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
funny air flying
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
funny sarcastic witty
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
funny wedding truth
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
funny sarcastic witty
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.