Famous Quotes & Sayings

Charles Baudelaire

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

Charles Baudelaire

Where are the dogs going? you people who pay so little attention ask. They are going about their business. And they are very punctilious, without wallets, notes, and without briefcases.

Charles M. Schulz

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.

Bob Phillips

He took his misfortune like a man - he blamed it on his wife.

Bob Phillips

Love is a state of mind which has nothing to do with the mind.

Bill Maher

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

Bill Bailey

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Bill Bailey

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Bill Bailey

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Bob Lemon

I never took the game home with me. I always left it in some bar.

Bill Wyman

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing

Bill Veeck

Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything.

P. J. O'Rourke

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

Friends are what God gives you to make up for your family.

C. P. Scott

Television: The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it.

Cathy Guisewite

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

Carl Hiaasen

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

Calvin Trillin

The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.

We're still pretty funny but we realized that when things are too funny out front, people don't get through to the serious core, ... We wanted to show the other side.

Dick Cavett

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Dennis Miller

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Earl Weaver

I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.

Edgar Guest

You'll be richer in the end than a prince, if you're a friend.

Bob Hope

In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

Bob Hope

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

Bob Hope

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Bob Hope

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Bill Gates

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.

Bill Gates

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Bob Arum

Yesterday I was lying, today I am telling the truth.

Chelsea Handler

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.