Famous Quotes & Sayings

Jack Benny

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Jack Benny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Jack Black

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

Most people are used to the T.V. comedy method of one joke every 18 seconds. And that's why it's not funny... There's no time for anything to develop.

Michael Keaton

My first manager, he had left Germany when he was five, but he would joke about the Nazis. And I'd laugh, but I'd look at him, and he was the first one who told me, 'You know, funny is a powerful thing; it's a wonderful weapon.'

Matt Smith

I think there's an interesting contradiction of having a young face and an old soul. There's something funny about it, and it also allows you to reinvent being old.

Melissa McCarthy

Jason Statham is funny, I never knew that.

Jason Alexander

Jerry Seinfeld has an interesting theory. He goes, '20 pounds up or down, and you lose your funny.'

Mitch Hedberg

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

I saw it. It was very funny. I think he's trying to take the high moral ground.

Sarah Silverman

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

Drew Bledsoe

I said, 'Yes, sir,' 'No, sir' and did what I was supposed to do. He's a funny guy, but he's only funny if he's not talking to you because he's pretty hard on guys. When I was young, I got tired of all the noise from Bill. As you get older, you realize some of the things he taught me when I was young that have gone on to help me in my career.

Larry David

People have often wondered how they'd feel if they were adopted. I think it's funny.

Robbie Coltrane

My son's the same, he's terribly funny. It's a wonderful power to have. It's also fantastically disarming. Women find it unbelievably disarming. You can say the most astonishing things if you're funny. You can tell a woman that she's irresistibly attractive, but do it in such a funny way.

Bill Cosby

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

Bill Cosby

Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.

Bill Cosby

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Bill Cosby

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

Carrie Fisher

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

Bette Davis

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

Bill Hicks

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

George Herbert

It is good to have friends both in Heaven and Hell.

Jayne Meadows

I never say a funny thing intentionally.

Jay London

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

Jay Leno

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.

Chris Rock

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies ... a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

Chris Rock

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

Chris Rock

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"

Chris Rock

Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"

Chris Rock

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

Chris Rock

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'