Famous Quotes & Sayings

John Madden

Here's a guy who can use his arms and legs at the same time.

John Malkovich

People always say life is short. I've never been convinced of that - mine seems to have a tendency to go on and on.

Jimmy Carr

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Jimmy Carr

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Jim Norton

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

George Lopez

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

It's a raw, grungy, funny show. If this kind of show can't work here, it can't work anywhere.

It was funny. I gave her the sheet and she said, 'Mrs. Solar, I'm sweating.' She was stunned.

Dick Armey

The American Dream is not to own your own home, but to get your kids out of it.

Dave Chappelle

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

Dave Chappelle

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

Dave Chappelle

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Dave Chappelle

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

David Cross

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

David Cross

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

David Cross

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

Dave Barry

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

Dave Barry

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Dave Barry

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

Dave Barry

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

Dave Barry

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

Dave Barry

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

Dave Barry

The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.

Dave Barry

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.

Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Charles Dickens

I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

Charles Dickens

For your popular rumour, unlike the rolling stone of the proverb, is one which gathers a deal of moss in its wanderings up and down.

Charles Dickens

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

Charles Dickens

"The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned..."

Charles Dickens

"Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting."