Famous Quotes & Sayings

Gilbert K. Chesterton

It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem.

Gilbert K. Chesterton

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

Gilbert K. Chesterton

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

Holly Black

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

Henri Matisse

Drawing is like making an expressive gesture with the advantage of permanence.

Heath Ledger

I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.

Henry Ford

The question who ought to be boss is like who ought to be the tenor in the quartet? Obviously, the man who can sing tunor.

Helen Rowland

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.

Gilbert K. Chesterton

The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.

Jimmy Carr

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Jimmy Carr

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Jim Norton

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

George Lopez

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

It's a raw, grungy, funny show. If this kind of show can't work here, it can't work anywhere.

It was funny. I gave her the sheet and she said, 'Mrs. Solar, I'm sweating.' She was stunned.

Dick Armey

The American Dream is not to own your own home, but to get your kids out of it.

Dave Chappelle

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

Dave Chappelle

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

Dave Chappelle

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Dave Chappelle

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

David Cross

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

David Cross

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

David Cross

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

Dave Barry

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

Dave Barry

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Dave Barry

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

Dave Barry

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

Dave Barry

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

Dave Barry

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

Dave Barry

The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.

Dave Barry

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.